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Come as You Are

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"We know by now that there’s no such thing as normal—or rather, that we’re all normal. We’re all made of the same parts as everyone else, organized in a unique way. No two alike."

— Emily Nagoski, Come as You Are (2015)

Come as You Are
Full titleCome as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life
AuthorEmily Nagoski
LanguageEnglish
SubjectWomen's sexuality; Sex education; Health & fitness
GenreNonfiction; Self-help
PublisherSimon & Schuster Paperbacks
Publication date
3 March 2015
Publication placeUnited States
Media typePrint (paperback); e-book; audiobook
Pages400
ISBN978-1-4767-6210-4
Websitesimonandschuster.com

📘 Come as You Are is a nonfiction guide to women’s sexuality by sex educator Emily Nagoski, first published in the United States in 2015 and issued in a substantially revised trade paperback on 2 March 2021.[1][2][3] The book popularizes the dual control model of sexual response—the balance of “accelerators and brakes” (excitation and inhibition)—and explains concepts such as responsive desire and arousal non-concordance in a sex-positive, evidence-driven register.[4][5][2] Written in an accessible, conversational style that mixes research summaries with anecdotes and exercises, it is supported by downloadable worksheets that extend the book’s practical tools.[6][7] The revised edition retains a four-part, nine-chapter structure and updates examples and language; the outline used on this page follows the revised trade paperback.[8][2] The publisher promotes the title as a New York Times bestseller, and it has been widely covered by mainstream outlets since release, including WBUR and New York Magazine’s The Cut.[2][9][10]

Chapter summary

This outline follows the Simon & Schuster trade paperback edition, revised and updated (2 March 2021; ISBN 9781982165314).[2] Chapter titles and part structure per library catalog record.[8] First U.S. edition metadata: Simon & Schuster Paperbacks (2015), xi+400 pp.; ISBNs 9781476762104 (pbk.) and 9781476762098 (hc).[1][11]

I – The (Not-So-Basic) Basics

🧬 1 – Anatomy: No Two Alike.

🎛️ 2 – The Dual Control Model: Your Sexual Personality.

💍 3 – Context: And the "One Ring" (to Rule Them All) in Your Emotional Brain.

II – Sex In Context

🧠 4 – Emotional Context: Sex in a Monkey Brain.

🌐 5 – Cultural Context: A Sex-Positive Life in a Sex-Negative World.

III – Sex In Action

⚡ 6 – Arousal: Lubrication Is Not Causation.

💗 7 – Desire: Spontaneous, Responsive, and Magnificent.

IV – Ecstasy For Everybody

🎆 8 – Orgasm: Pleasure Is the Measure.

🧭 9 – Love What's True: The Ultimate Sex-Positive Context.

Background & reception

🖋️ Author & writing. Emily Nagoski is a sex educator with an MS in counseling and a PhD in health behavior (Indiana University), with clinical and research training at the Kinsey Institute; she previously served as director of wellness education at Smith College.[3][12][13] The book synthesizes contemporary sex-science for general readers, centering context effects, the dual control model, and distinctions among arousal, desire, pleasure, and consent.[2] The dual control framework itself traces to work by John Bancroft and Erick Janssen and remains an active research area.[14][15] Reviewers have noted the book’s friendly, accessible tone and use of clear visuals, while emphasizing its “you-are-normal” message.[16] Practical tools are reinforced by official worksheets hosted on the author’s site.[17]

📈 Commercial reception. The first U.S. edition was published by Simon & Schuster Paperbacks in 2015 (400 pp.; ISBN 978-1-4767-6210-4), with library records confirming the bibliographic details; a revised and updated trade paperback followed on 2 March 2021 (400 pp.).[1][11][2] The publisher promotes the title as a New York Times bestseller.[2] International editions appeared with Scribe in 2015 for Australia and the UK markets.[18][19]

👍 Praise. In The Guardian, Van Badham praised the book’s rare merger of pop science and sexual self-help “in prose that’s not insufferably twee,” adding that it offers “hard facts on the science of arousal and desire” in a friendly way (27 April 2015).[20] WBUR (Boston’s NPR newsroom) highlighted the book’s myth-busting approach and predicted it would be a pivotal read for many (13 March 2015).[21] Salon’s interview with Nagoski called it a rare sex-advice book that “actually has it” — lasting value beyond quick fixes (6 March 2015).[22]

👎 Criticism. Even positive reviewers noted stylistic tics; The Guardian mentioned “a few too many gardening metaphors.”[23] Some reviewers observed that the book primarily addresses cisgender women, reflecting limits of available research on trans populations at the time; they argue that readers seeking broader LGBTQ+ coverage may find scope constraints.[24] Scholars also caution that evidence underpinning the dual control model — a framework the book popularizes — continues to evolve, with calls for further measurement refinement and population-diverse research.[25]

🌍 Impact & adoption. The book has been extended into an eight-part audio series, the Come As You Are podcast, launched on 16 November 2022 as a Pushkin Industries/Madison Wells production.[26][27] It appears on higher-education syllabi and resource lists, including Wesleyan University’s Summer 2024 graduate seminar materials, the University of Florida’s Spring 2025 “Sexuality in Mental Health” course, and Western Washington University’s 2024 campus consent guide.[28][29][30]

Related content & more

YouTube videos

CapSach articles

References

  1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 1.2 "Come as you are : the surprising new science that will transform your sex life". WorldCat. OCLC. Retrieved 19 October 2025.
  2. ↑ 2.0 2.1 2.2 2.3 2.4 2.5 2.6 2.7 "Come As You Are: Revised and Updated". Simon & Schuster. Simon & Schuster. 2 March 2021. Retrieved 19 October 2025.
  3. ↑ 3.0 3.1 "Emily Nagoski". Simon & Schuster. Simon & Schuster. Retrieved 19 October 2025.
  4. ↑ "Why Are Young People Having So Little Sex?". The Atlantic. 15 December 2018. Retrieved 19 October 2025.
  5. ↑ "'You're normal!' is science's battle cry in the fight for sexual liberation". The Guardian. 27 April 2015. Retrieved 19 October 2025.
  6. ↑ "'You're normal!' is science's battle cry in the fight for sexual liberation". The Guardian. 27 April 2015. Retrieved 19 October 2025.
  7. ↑ "Come As You Are Worksheets". EmilyNagoski.com. Emily Nagoski. Retrieved 19 October 2025.
  8. ↑ 8.0 8.1 "Come as you are: the surprising new science that will transform your sex life — Simon & Schuster trade paperback edition, revised and updated". Colorado Mountain College Library Catalog. Colorado Mountain College. Retrieved 19 October 2025.
  9. ↑ Goldberg, Carey (13 March 2015). "'Come As You Are': Book Explores Old Lies And New Science On Women And Sex". WBUR News. Retrieved 19 October 2025.
  10. ↑ "The Way You Understand Your Sex Drive Is Wrong". The Cut. New York Magazine. 8 April 2015. Retrieved 19 October 2025.
  11. ↑ 11.0 11.1 "Come as you are : the surprising new science that will transform your sex life". Contra Costa County Library Catalog. Contra Costa County Library. Retrieved 19 October 2025.
  12. ↑ "about emily — Emily Nagoski, Ph.D." EmilyNagoski.com. Emily Nagoski. Retrieved 19 October 2025.
  13. ↑ "Archive of 2008–09 People News". Smith College. Smith College. Retrieved 19 October 2025.
  14. ↑ Bancroft, J.; Janssen, E. (2000). "The dual control model of male sexual response: a theoretical approach to centrally mediated erectile dysfunction". Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews. 24 (5): 571–579. doi:10.1016/S0149-7634(00)00024-5. Retrieved 19 October 2025.
  15. ↑ Janssen, E.; Bancroft, J. (2023). "The Dual Control Model of Sexual Response: A Scoping Review, 2009–2022". Annual Review of Sex Research (Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality): 1–27. Retrieved 19 October 2025.
  16. ↑ "'You're normal!' is science's battle cry in the fight for sexual liberation". The Guardian. 27 April 2015. Retrieved 19 October 2025.
  17. ↑ "Come As You Are Worksheets". EmilyNagoski.com. Emily Nagoski. Retrieved 19 October 2025.
  18. ↑ "Come as You Are". Scribe Publications (AU). Scribe Publications. Retrieved 19 October 2025.
  19. ↑ "Come as You Are". Scribe Publications (UK). Scribe Publications. Retrieved 19 October 2025.
  20. ↑ "'You're normal!' is science's battle cry in the fight for sexual liberation". The Guardian. 27 April 2015. Retrieved 19 October 2025.
  21. ↑ Goldberg, Carey (13 March 2015). "'Come As You Are': Book Explores Old Lies And New Science On Women And Sex". WBUR News. Retrieved 19 October 2025.
  22. ↑ Clark-Flory, Tracy (6 March 2015). "Forget female Viagra: This new book dismantles stubborn myths about women and sexual desire". Salon. Retrieved 19 October 2025.
  23. ↑ "'You're normal!' is science's battle cry in the fight for sexual liberation". The Guardian. 27 April 2015. Retrieved 19 October 2025.
  24. ↑ "Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski". Smart Bitches, Trashy Books. Smart Bitches, Trashy Books LLC. 23 June 2023. Retrieved 19 October 2025.
  25. ↑ Janssen, E.; Bancroft, J. (2023). "The Dual Control Model of Sexual Response: A Scoping Review, 2009–2022". Annual Review of Sex Research (Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality): 1–27. Retrieved 19 October 2025.
  26. ↑ "Come As You Are – Podcast on Apple Podcasts". Apple Podcasts. Apple Inc. 16 November 2022. Retrieved 19 October 2025.
  27. ↑ "Come As You Are". Pushkin Industries. Pushkin Industries. Retrieved 19 October 2025.
  28. ↑ "SCIE 601 (Summer 2024) — Syllabus sample readings" (PDF). Wesleyan University. Wesleyan University. Retrieved 19 October 2025.
  29. ↑ "Sexuality in Mental Health — Spring 2025 Syllabus". University of Florida. University of Florida. Retrieved 19 October 2025.
  30. ↑ "The Consent Guide Book" (PDF). Western Washington University. Western Washington University. April 2024. Retrieved 19 October 2025.
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